Babysitting
by Very Swampeh
Summary: Heinkel and Darius babysit for Ed and Winry with disastrous results. Post-manga, EdWin, rated for language.


_This fic stemmed from something that was mentioned in It All Came Crashing Down, but you don't need to read it to follow this story._

 _Also it appears that Heinkel and Darius don't have character tags. Unacceptable!_

* * *

"Look, we'll be at the Red Peasant if you need anything. He should be fine, but there's extra-"

Heinkel cut him off with a wave of his hand. "Ed, we'll be fine. We babysat you, didn't we?"

Ed's face went red. "You didn't _babysit_ me!" When Heinkel raised an eyebrow in disbelief, he went on about how he had been perfectly capable and absolutely had not needed any help, thank you very much.

The rant probably would have gone on for another couple minutes if Winry hadn't intervened. "Ed, let's go," she said, snagging his arm. "If we're late, you're going to have diaper duty for the next month."

"Yeah, I'm hungry," Ed replied, abruptly dropping the argument and following his wife out of their apartment. Even with the door closed, Heinkel could hear them squabbling about whether they wanted a table or a booth. The chimera snorted loudly.

Darius was sprawled out on the couch, with nine-month-old Alexander perched on his chest. The baby was gnawing on a block, gurgling happily.

Heinkel sunk into the recliner on the other side of the small living room. "I still can't believe Ed actually has a kid," he said, propping one foot up on the coffee table. "Thought for sure he'd still be tripping all over himself every time Winry walked into the room."

From the couch, Darius grinned. "Well, he still trips over himself with Winry. Apparently he spent their whole anniversary blushing." Alexander giggled, hiccupped and then tossed his half-chewed block on the floor.

A frown crossed Darius's face. "Looks like someone needs a change," he muttered, sitting up and shifting the boy from his chest to his lap. Darius motioned to Heinkel. "You can have the honors."

"No, that's okay."

"I insist."

Five rounds of rock-paper-scissors later, Heinkel was elbow-deep in diapers and baby powder. Even in the bedroom, he could hear Darius snickering in the kitchen. "Your grandpa Darius is a real jerk," he muttered. Alexander sneezed.

After that, the night was uneventful. They raided the Elric's fridge, turned up the radio loud enough to annoy the neighbors, and then broke out a game of cards. Alexander was the most cooperative baby Heinkel had ever seen, which was surprising, given whose kid he was. In all honesty, Heinkel had been expecting the night to be chaotic and loud, but they hadn't even managed to break anything. Amazing, really.

At some point, Alexander had dozed off on the couch, curled up in a blanket and drooling. Darius and Heinkel's card game had turned to poker, with the two of them betting peanuts and whatever spare change they had on them. And Darius was losing.

"Four of a kind!" Heinkel declared, slapping his aces down on the table.

Darius growled and tossed his losing cards. "Fuck," he snarled, folding his arms over his chest. Heinkel snickered and scooped the winnings towards his end of the table. "I swear Heinkel, you're cheating."

"Fuck!"

The two chimera froze. Slowly, they turned their heads towards the couch, where Alexander was sitting up, one finger shoved up his nose. The boy grinned again. "Fuck!"

Heinkel felt the color drain from his face. "Oh no," Darius whispered from next to him. "No, no, no."

Alexander giggled and proceeded to swear happily, completely ignorant of the unfolding situation.

"I can't believe this!" Heinkel hissed. Darius had bolted from his seat and was currently trying to get the kid to say anything else. "We're dead, Darius! You thought the Homunculi were bad? Wait until Ed and Winry get home and see this!"

Darius ignored him. "Hey, hey, say 'momma'," he said, dangling a set of keys in front of the boy's face. "Momma?"

Alexander moved his finger from his nose to his mouth. "Fuck!"

"No."

"Momma!"

"Yes!" Heinkel sighed loudly in relief. Darius ruffled the boy's hair.

"Fuck!"

And then the moment was ruined. "This is a game to you, isn't it?" Darius muttered as Alexander grinned. "Gotta go and ruin everyone's day, just like his dad."

Alexander continued to mumble happily to himself for the rest of the night, while Darius and Heinkel waited in poorly-contained terror for the Elrics to arrive. A quick call to the train station revealed that there were still seats on the midnight train to South City, and they had decided that it was their best bet for skipping town.

"Whatever he says, he learned it from you," Heinkel said, handing off the squirming infant to Ed when the couple finally showed up.

Ed frowned. "What're you talking about?" he asked as Alexander immediately grabbed a fistful of his father's hair.

"Nothing," Heinkel hastily replied, hoping that the infant would at least keep his mouth shut until he and Darius had made it far enough away. "He was good, no problems. We'll see you next time we're in town!" They could do this. The kid was tired, they had at least a couple hours before Ed and Winry discovered their kid's newly expanded vocabulary.

Darius was already across the threshold and Heinkel followed. As soon as the door closed, a small voice piped up from the other side of the door.

"Fuck!"

For a moment, time stopped. Then: "Run!" Darius barked as an angry screech came from the apartment. Heinkel took off, tearing down the stairs two at a time as the pair made for the train station.

 _I'm never babysitting again._


End file.
